I don't think I could ever be in a relationship or even try something spontaneous like a one night stand because I prefer to pleasure myself. I do have erotic fantasies, but they focus on random, made up people interacting in sexual scenarios. I simply can't place myself in such fantasies, but not out of insecurity. It's just too hard to visualize even though I do have a colorful imagination. I'll probably never bother to act upon my fantasies in real life either, but I am okay with that.
I scratch my butt and don't wash my hands before making the food at the taco bell I work at.
I never thought twice about any man his age before, but we just have such shockingly incredible chemistry when we interact, and he's absolutely hilarious, that I can't believe he's as old as he is based on his personality. I went from having a crush on him and feeling incredibly guilty and weird about it (like, what in the world is wrong with you, self, you disgusting perv), to now embracing it, wanting to f*** his brains out, and actually finding myself being extremely turned on by the fact that he's married (the whole "taboo affair with an older man" thing incredibly intrigues me, especially since I figure his uptight wife probably never puts out and he's dying for a good release).
It goes beyond finding him incredibly attractive. I am also falling in love with him. He's so effortless to talk to. We finish each other's sentences. He's attentive, mature, and generous (not talking about anything financial).
I feel absolutely pathetic and like a freak of nature but I can't seem to turn off these feelings no matter what I do. I've tried to fight it. He looks old. He's married. My brain cares, but my heart doesn't. I have not hung out with him outside of work (yet, though we have discussed it) or done anything physically inappropriate, but I realize our friendship has crossed a line. I genuinely do feel badly about that, but at the same time, I feel like I'm too far gone emotionally to reel myself back to reality. I wish he could separate from his wife even for just a day, so that we could have an excuse to finally f*ck, even if it was just once, to get it out of our systems.
So to all these old guys walking around/reading this - somewhere out there, some young girl you see every day could be dying to f*ck your brains out, fantasizing about you every night, and falling in love with you, as insane as that sounds. Some of us really are just that nuts.